The Reality of Optimism

I think that when it comes to having kids, there is a certain amount of denial (some might call it “optimism”) that factors into the decision to start a family, because if everyone thought of all the things that might go wrong, humans would cease to exist. Like every situation in my life (grocery store trips, coloring my hair, buying a new car, writing e-mails, making career moves), I overthink the consequences of the choices so much that it often prevents me from making one. SH handles the grocery shopping in our household because it can take me twice the time it takes him. I have to look at all the options for each product, breakdown the costs, evaluate the store brand choice against the brand name, consider how things might be put together as a meal and then back track to pick up additional items…it’s ridiculous. So imagine the dialogue in my head when it comes to having kids. I’m a Gemini and though I know nothing about astrology, there is one thing that applies to me: I am divided into twins and they are constantly duking it out.

Twin #1: Oh, you loooove holding babies. They are so sweet. They make you happy.
Twin #2: Did you see the last episode of the Supernanny? Children will ruin your life!
Twin #1: But it’s a must-have life changing experience! Everyone says so!
Twin #2: Parents are stressed and sleep-deprived. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Misery loves company.
Twin #1: How sad for you if you never know what it feels like to be a parent. How sad to be old and have no family.
Twin #2: How AWESOME to save all your money and travel the world when you’re old!
Twin #1: Kids will teach you to be selfless and to know a kind of love you’ve never experienced before.
Twin #2: They will break your heart, tell you they hate you, become a fundamentalist of something you’re vehemently opposed to, and then never call you after they leave home. Ingrates!
Twin #1: Think of how full your life will be! You’ll experience so many new things in ways you can’t even imagine!
Twin #2: Children will wreck any chance of future financial stability!
Twin #1: Do what you love and the money will follow!
Twin #2: Idiot.
Twin #1: Hey!
Twin #2: Don’t blame me when your life goes to hell, you’ve forgotten what it feels like to sleep in on a Saturday, travel to foreign countries, talk about something other than poop, and have a social life.
Twin #1: THANK ME when you fall in love with your kids and can’t imagine life without your family.
Twin #2: Just wait a while longer, maybe you’ll come to your senses.
Twin #1: Hmmm, I guess it doesn’t hurt to wait a little longer, you know, to be more secure in the decision…

I could go on, but it’s pretty much more of the same (throw in some commentary on the state of the environment, global warming, and the violence that rages across the world—what kind of world will my kids grow up in!—and you get the idea). This is all complicated by the fact that SH’s nephew is severely autistic. We have witnessed the sadness, stress, and strain that has on his brother’s family and we fear experiencing it for ourselves. I know that his nephew is very, very loved, but it is also an unbelievably difficult and unending situation. I just don’t know if I could handle it. And even though we are all ultimately stronger than we realize, I still worry about it happening to us. Life should be about taking risks, but sometimes the costs are so great. Considering scientists are starting to believe there is a genetic component to autism, it feels like we are slightly more likely to have an autistic child. I think deciding to have kids will be a serious leap of faith for us, faith that it will be okay and that we will be happy. Actually making that leap is the hard part.

Shape of a Non-mother

I took a sick day yesterday. I never take sick days because I don’t get sick that often, and when I do, it somehow manages to be in the middle of something I really have to get done. So I took one yesterday, even though I wasn’t that sick. I’ve just been really tired all week, and I had a sore throat and minor cough. Really, it was the best kind of sick day because I wasn’t miserable and I didn’t feel like I was cheating by not being at work. I got all sorts of shit done while also loggin’ plenty of couch time.

Here’s the rub: I’ve been so tired this week that I haven’t been working out. I feel all kinds of guilty about that and I’m convinced I’m going to slide backwards as a result. I started getting serious about working out January of 2006 because of how terrible I felt about my body. It was squishy and giggly and it made me frown every time I looked in the mirror. Since then I’ve consistently exercised about 4 days a week (I’m trying to push it to 5, but it’s tough). The process has been discouraging for me. I wanted to lose pounds and look toned. In total, I don’t think I’ve lost more than 10 pounds. I have gone down one size, but that is all. I don’t feel or look as toned as I’d like. But I know I’m healthy. I know that is what is most important, yet I still feel really discouraged.

One of the reasons I wanted to lose weight is because I felt like it was my last chance to look the best I could. I’m going to be 31 this spring and some day I’m going to have a baby. I feel like everything gets shot to hell and that point, so this is the magic time. It’s kind of a Use It or Lose It attitude. I know this line of thinking is ridiculous, but that’s how I feel. I know the stretch marks, veins, cottage cheese, and floppy skin are likely, so why not look the best I can while I can? There’s this Web site that really, and I mean REALLY, freaked me out. It’s called The Shape of a Mother.

I love the idea of this Web site. It’s so encouraging and supportive and loving. And so goddamn scary. I don’t think I was prepared for everything I saw on there. Now, I’m the kind of person that researches things to death. I like to know what I’m getting into. I want to choose something with eyes wide open, which is one of the reasons I read blogs written by mothers. I want to hear and understand their experiences because it helps me know what I will face someday. I know there is no way to actually be prepared for parenthood, but I’d rather know some of the good, bad, and ugly beforehand. I don’t want to be surprised by bad things. We live in a world where motherhood is raised up as this glowing, beautiful, of the Earth type of experience. I’m sure it can be that way, but seriously folks, let’s put some reality into the picture. Birth is horrible, painful, bloody, and not pretty. Babies have diaper explosions that can take out an entire car. Toddlers can refuse to eat for days at a time.

Anyway, back to me. Oh wait, we were already there. I stare at the little runner girls outside with such envy. I feel like I put just as much effort into my body as a lot of people who look great. Why don’t I look great? Why can’t I look like an athlete? I know I could take it to another level, but it many ways I just don’t think would be healthy for me, mentally, that is. My average routine lasts about an hour to an hour and a half and involves cardio, abs, legs, and arms. I’m a vegetarian who eats healthy, decently sized portions. I don’t want working out to take over my life, but I wish the results made me happier.

I understand all the forces that create a mentality like this, and I bore myself even talking about it because I feel like it’s one topic that every woman can talk about endlessly, but my body takes up so much of my thoughts that there are times when I need to purge to make room for something else.