Work continues to dominate my thoughts, which is one of the reasons I want to like my job more. I hate that my job takes away my confidence. Is it asking too much that it make me feel good about myself and what I’m capable of? I wrote a post last week about making mistakes and how much it bothers me when I can’t be perfect. Most of the time I just feel lost in my job, like there’s no way that I can do it correctly. I feel like I’m flying blind.
The difficult thing for me is distinguishing what is real from what is not, because I don’t always perceive things correctly. Last week, on the Bad Day, I was told that the Big Boss was impressed with my work. This came as a shock to me considering she usually finds an error in whatever I’m editing. So even though I feel like I suck, other people don’t see it that way. My answer to this is that they just don’t see everything that is probably wrong and therefore don’t fully realize what a crappy employee I am. I just don’t trust myself in this job.
However, there is one element of what I do that I feel okay about. Part of my job entails design work. I find it challenging and fun. More often than not people compliment me on what I do for them, and I get really excited by that. The thing is, expectations are low for what I do and it’s not high quality work, yet I like doing it. This makes me wonder if design, not editing, is what I should be doing. I really don’t think I have the artistic talent to be a designer. And the idea of going back to school is horrifying to me, as is the idea of starting a new career now. Again. But there was a brief moment last week when adrenaline was pumping through my body as I figured out a design solution to a problem that had been vexing me. The end product resulted in hugs and cheers from the people I was making it for. Now THAT was a good day.