X= Career, Part II

I'm feeling the urge to continue with my last post. One of my best friends gave me the most appropriate book for my 30th birthday. It's called Flux. Like a lot of people, 30 was a big birthday for me. It felt like it was time for me to be an adult, to get my shit together, to start planning for things, to stop putting things off, to figure out what I really wanted, to make things happen. There was some freedom in starting a new decade—I could decide what I wanted my life to look like and it was somehow okay to start thinking about things like kids. I have had to work really hard on trying to figure out what I want—to sort out the expectations of my parents, society, the government (and my resulting anger with those expectations) from what was actually important to me. I'm still working on this and it's not easy. However, this book helped me. It layed things out in a way I hadn't really thought about them by profiling women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, outlining the common dilemmas of those ages, and looking at what helped and hurt them in their lives.

One thing that really stuck with me was the historical influence on women's careers. Forgive my rather obvious generalizations, as they're necessary for me to try to get to my point quickly (feel free to read the book for more specifics). Basically, when not in the home, women have often been pushed into or chosen ("chosen" being questionable in many eras) fields that are either "helpful" in one way or another or that they find interesting (or both). The "interesting" fields for most women tend to be those that pay less (don't get me started on who determined the pay scales for different jobs). So, in essence, we tend to go for things that make us feel good, that we are passionate about, that allow for creativity. Men, for better or worse, tend to go for the money. They are trained, as we are, to do that. I know there are lots of exceptions and that we can argue this in so many ways, but it really feels true to ME. By pursuing fulfillment we choose not to get paid a good wage. What then happens when we have kids and decide that someone should stay home (if that's an option) is the woman's salary is lower than the man's, so he keeps his job and progresses further in his career.

I know this is a touchy topic and I'm not interested in getting in any way involved in the Mommy War debate, particularly since I'm not a mommy, but sometimes I wonder what I would tell a daughter about choosing a major and a career. I know there are plenty of people that would say, "Do what you love, the money will follow." I'm not sure if I believe this. First of all, for some people (me included), it's difficult to know what you love and want to do. Second of all, what you love may not pay a lot. So do I tell a daughter to consider going after a field that will bring her financial security or to just go with what she's interested in, so that she can try to discover who she is and who she wants to be? I know I'll probably say the latter, because that's just who I am. I want people to pursue their dreams, to not deny themselves, to go after what they think will make them happy. But does it always work out? I know that money doesn't buy happiness, but isn't there something to be said for the choices it provides, how it can help you achieve certain goals, how it can help the future of your children? Or maybe it's just trapping and makes people miserable. If you're hungry for things, if you have to work for them, aren't the rewards greater? This is what I want to believe, considering my vantage point.

One of my biggest fears in choosing to have kids is that in taking care of someone else and trying to allow them the chance to have a great life and become whatever they want, I'm giving up on myself. I worry that I'll put so much energy into someone else that I won't have any for myself and that eventually, when the kids are in college, I will find myself empty and lost and regretful. Thus the desire to figure out as much now as possible, so that I can hold onto that which is most important to me and protect it. Money plays a big part in this. It seems like financial stability creates some breathing room, allowing for everyone to hold onto some of the things they need in life.

My boyfriend thinks we're doing fine, which I guess we are as a couple. But part of me wishes I could be fine on my own, without his salary. I think about the possibility that something tragic could happen to him and then what? Shouldn't we both be capable of sustaining our life without the other, just in case? This is one of the many issues I confront as I head towards marriage: can I be comfortable depending on him (and him depending on me)? Can I let go of my fears and try to live as a family? I don't know the answer to that.