The Reality of Optimism

I think that when it comes to having kids, there is a certain amount of denial (some might call it “optimism”) that factors into the decision to start a family, because if everyone thought of all the things that might go wrong, humans would cease to exist. Like every situation in my life (grocery store trips, coloring my hair, buying a new car, writing e-mails, making career moves), I overthink the consequences of the choices so much that it often prevents me from making one. SH handles the grocery shopping in our household because it can take me twice the time it takes him. I have to look at all the options for each product, breakdown the costs, evaluate the store brand choice against the brand name, consider how things might be put together as a meal and then back track to pick up additional items…it’s ridiculous. So imagine the dialogue in my head when it comes to having kids. I’m a Gemini and though I know nothing about astrology, there is one thing that applies to me: I am divided into twins and they are constantly duking it out.

Twin #1: Oh, you loooove holding babies. They are so sweet. They make you happy.
Twin #2: Did you see the last episode of the Supernanny? Children will ruin your life!
Twin #1: But it’s a must-have life changing experience! Everyone says so!
Twin #2: Parents are stressed and sleep-deprived. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Misery loves company.
Twin #1: How sad for you if you never know what it feels like to be a parent. How sad to be old and have no family.
Twin #2: How AWESOME to save all your money and travel the world when you’re old!
Twin #1: Kids will teach you to be selfless and to know a kind of love you’ve never experienced before.
Twin #2: They will break your heart, tell you they hate you, become a fundamentalist of something you’re vehemently opposed to, and then never call you after they leave home. Ingrates!
Twin #1: Think of how full your life will be! You’ll experience so many new things in ways you can’t even imagine!
Twin #2: Children will wreck any chance of future financial stability!
Twin #1: Do what you love and the money will follow!
Twin #2: Idiot.
Twin #1: Hey!
Twin #2: Don’t blame me when your life goes to hell, you’ve forgotten what it feels like to sleep in on a Saturday, travel to foreign countries, talk about something other than poop, and have a social life.
Twin #1: THANK ME when you fall in love with your kids and can’t imagine life without your family.
Twin #2: Just wait a while longer, maybe you’ll come to your senses.
Twin #1: Hmmm, I guess it doesn’t hurt to wait a little longer, you know, to be more secure in the decision…

I could go on, but it’s pretty much more of the same (throw in some commentary on the state of the environment, global warming, and the violence that rages across the world—what kind of world will my kids grow up in!—and you get the idea). This is all complicated by the fact that SH’s nephew is severely autistic. We have witnessed the sadness, stress, and strain that has on his brother’s family and we fear experiencing it for ourselves. I know that his nephew is very, very loved, but it is also an unbelievably difficult and unending situation. I just don’t know if I could handle it. And even though we are all ultimately stronger than we realize, I still worry about it happening to us. Life should be about taking risks, but sometimes the costs are so great. Considering scientists are starting to believe there is a genetic component to autism, it feels like we are slightly more likely to have an autistic child. I think deciding to have kids will be a serious leap of faith for us, faith that it will be okay and that we will be happy. Actually making that leap is the hard part.