Shape of a Non-mother

I took a sick day yesterday. I never take sick days because I don’t get sick that often, and when I do, it somehow manages to be in the middle of something I really have to get done. So I took one yesterday, even though I wasn’t that sick. I’ve just been really tired all week, and I had a sore throat and minor cough. Really, it was the best kind of sick day because I wasn’t miserable and I didn’t feel like I was cheating by not being at work. I got all sorts of shit done while also loggin’ plenty of couch time.

Here’s the rub: I’ve been so tired this week that I haven’t been working out. I feel all kinds of guilty about that and I’m convinced I’m going to slide backwards as a result. I started getting serious about working out January of 2006 because of how terrible I felt about my body. It was squishy and giggly and it made me frown every time I looked in the mirror. Since then I’ve consistently exercised about 4 days a week (I’m trying to push it to 5, but it’s tough). The process has been discouraging for me. I wanted to lose pounds and look toned. In total, I don’t think I’ve lost more than 10 pounds. I have gone down one size, but that is all. I don’t feel or look as toned as I’d like. But I know I’m healthy. I know that is what is most important, yet I still feel really discouraged.

One of the reasons I wanted to lose weight is because I felt like it was my last chance to look the best I could. I’m going to be 31 this spring and some day I’m going to have a baby. I feel like everything gets shot to hell and that point, so this is the magic time. It’s kind of a Use It or Lose It attitude. I know this line of thinking is ridiculous, but that’s how I feel. I know the stretch marks, veins, cottage cheese, and floppy skin are likely, so why not look the best I can while I can? There’s this Web site that really, and I mean REALLY, freaked me out. It’s called The Shape of a Mother.

I love the idea of this Web site. It’s so encouraging and supportive and loving. And so goddamn scary. I don’t think I was prepared for everything I saw on there. Now, I’m the kind of person that researches things to death. I like to know what I’m getting into. I want to choose something with eyes wide open, which is one of the reasons I read blogs written by mothers. I want to hear and understand their experiences because it helps me know what I will face someday. I know there is no way to actually be prepared for parenthood, but I’d rather know some of the good, bad, and ugly beforehand. I don’t want to be surprised by bad things. We live in a world where motherhood is raised up as this glowing, beautiful, of the Earth type of experience. I’m sure it can be that way, but seriously folks, let’s put some reality into the picture. Birth is horrible, painful, bloody, and not pretty. Babies have diaper explosions that can take out an entire car. Toddlers can refuse to eat for days at a time.

Anyway, back to me. Oh wait, we were already there. I stare at the little runner girls outside with such envy. I feel like I put just as much effort into my body as a lot of people who look great. Why don’t I look great? Why can’t I look like an athlete? I know I could take it to another level, but it many ways I just don’t think would be healthy for me, mentally, that is. My average routine lasts about an hour to an hour and a half and involves cardio, abs, legs, and arms. I’m a vegetarian who eats healthy, decently sized portions. I don’t want working out to take over my life, but I wish the results made me happier.

I understand all the forces that create a mentality like this, and I bore myself even talking about it because I feel like it’s one topic that every woman can talk about endlessly, but my body takes up so much of my thoughts that there are times when I need to purge to make room for something else.